A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons,
"I'll make you a deal. I will open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I will remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up.
"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle."
Three Ducks Walk Into A Bar
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks, One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that people bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck. "How's your day been?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day". "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?". "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been?". "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again". So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. Don't ask about my f#&*%! day".
Three mice are sitting at the bar drinking Tequila.
The first one says "I'm so hard, I break into the cupboard, I leave the
food and just eat the rat poison!" and then drinks his Tequila.
The second mouse says "that's nothing, I go to the mouse trap, throw away
the cheese and then do press ups on the spring!"
They both look towards the third mouse who just gets up and starts to walk out....The other mice shout:
"Where are you going?" the mouse replies:
"I'm going home to shag the cat!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Two cows standing next to each other in a field,
Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, straight up, no bull!"
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.
Two elephants walk off a cliff... boom boom!
How to Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand, as cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply
whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak
filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How to Give a Dog a Pill . . .
1) Wrap it in bacon