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Aircraft Maintenance Reports 

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas pilots to
maintenance engineers.

After attending to the faults prior to the aircraft's next flight, the
maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a
solution to the pilot's findings.

The following are some recent reports and subsequent responses by
maintenance crews. (P) is the problem logged by the pilot, and (S)
marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.

(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(P) #2 propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 propeller seepage normal - #1, #3 and #4 propellers lack
normal seepage

(P) Something loose in cockpit
(S) Something tightened in cockpit

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level

(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for!

(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!

Ten Dollars 
Stumpy Grider and his Wife Martha were from Portland, Maine. Every year they went to the Portland Fair, and every year Stumpy said "Ya know Mahtha, Ah'd like ta get a ride in that theah aihplane". An every year Martha would say, "Ah know, Stumpy, but that aihplane ride costs ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs". So Stumpy says "By Jeebers Mahtha, I'm 71 yeahs old, if I don't go this time I may nevah go". Martha replies, "Stumpy, that theah aihplane ride is ten dollahs...and ten dollahs is ten dollahs".
So the pilot overhears them and says, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride, and if you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say ONE word, I won't charge you, but just one word and it's ten dollars". They agree and up they go...the pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard; he does it one more time, still nothing...so he lands.
He turns to Stumpy as they come to a stop and says, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to make you hollar out, but you didn't!" And Stumpy replies, "Well, Ah was gonna say something when Mahtha fell out...but ten dollahs is ten dollahs!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both
manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to
bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly
pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better
idea.......let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own f**king blanket."

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself in the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears and took pity on her. 
"Look, you've got a lot to live for." he said. "I'm off to America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." 
Moving closer, he slipped an arm around her shoulder, winked at her and added, 
"I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy." 
The girl nodded. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they shagged furiously. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the Captain. 
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. 
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained, "I get to 
go to America, and in return he's screwing me." 
"He certainly is," the Captain replied, "This is the Dover-Calais ferry!   

Idiotas en Heathrow
Dos graciosos estuvieron hace poco en el aeropuerto de Heathrow (Londres) haciendo la siguiente broma: escribían extraños nombres en un trozo de papel para que preguntasen por esa persona por megafonía.

Para que fuera más creíble iban disfrazados de taxistas y se presentaban al mostrador de información 45 minutos después de la llegada de algún vuelo de Pakistán Airlines, Air India o Thai Airways diciendo que su cliente no aparecía. Mientras, otro amigo suyo se ponía bajo los altavoces y grababa la "pronunciación" del encargado de información.

Después del quinto mensaje la policía del aeropuerto se dió cuenta de lo que pasaba y les echó a la calle. El último fue grabado en Gatwick.

Intentad leer y pronunciar primero los nombres. Luego observad como se entendían a través de la megafonía del aeropuerto.

Looks Like Reads Like
Ajheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed I hate this fucking job and I will be fired
Arhevbin Fayed and Bybeiev Rhibodie I've been fired and bye-bye everybody
Aynayda Pizaqvick and Malexa Kriest I need a piss quick and my legs are crossed
Awul Dasfilshabeda and Nowaynayda Zheet Oo ah, that feels better and now I need a shit
Makolling Jezvahted and Levdaroum DeBahzted  My colleague just farted and left the room the bastard 
Steelaygot Maowenbach and Tuka Piziniztee Still, I got my own back and took a piss in his tea

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