Chistes en inglés sobre sexismo hombres

Following on from the extremely popular Training Courses for Women, comes this new program from the same people....

Training Courses Now Available for Men:

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts
16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed
25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

Quick Fire

What's a man's idea of safe sex? A padded headboard.

When is a man most embarrassed? When a man has an erection, walks into a wall and bangs his nose!

Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A. A widower.

Boys will be boys, but one day all girls will be women.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? - The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than a woman? - Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

How many men does it take to pop popcorn? - Three . . . one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

How many men to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to collect the medal.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? - We don't know . . it's never happened.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases beer instead of one.

What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says.."

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time....
One cooking and one cleaning.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
- The man.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
- His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
- Castrated.

Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get the remote.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, then it's our job to stomp them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we would hopefully like to have dinner with.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One ... men will screw anything.

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!

What's the difference between men and women?
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need ... A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.

How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
He's breathing.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

How can you tell if a man is happy?
Who cares?

What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.

Do you know why there's a hole in a man's penis?
So he can get air to his brain.

How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next 20 years.

Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.

How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."

Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.

What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chilli, Babe!"

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.

Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won't stop to ask for directions.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why did God create a man before a women?
You need a rough draft before you have a final copy.

Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.

What's the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?
When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, "I have to tell you something about your baby."
The woman sits up in bed and says, "What's wrong with my baby, Doctor?
What's wrong???"
The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite."
The woman says, "A hermaphrodite... what's that???"
The doctor says, "Well, it means your baby has the...er... features...of a male and a female."
The woman turns pale. She says, "Oh my god! You mean it has a penis...AND a brain?"

In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news" she said as she surveyed the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "£5000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've been used."

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes!