1. Before becoming master fisherman, must be master baiter.
2. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
3. Fly who rest on toilet seat, get pissed off!
4. Girl who douche with vinegar, walk around with sour puss.
5. He who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
6. Man who scratch ass, should not bite fingernails.
7. Better to sleep with chicken than to choke it.
8. House without toilet is uncanny.
9. If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.
10. It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
11. Man who screw in pantry, have ass in jam.
12. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
13. Wife who put husband in doghouse, soon find him in cat house.
14. Wise man never play leapfrog with unicorn.
15. Man who stand on toilet, get high on pot.
16. Secretary not permanent till screwed on desk.
17. Man who put cream in tart, not always baker.
18. War never determine who right, just who's left.
19. A bird in hand make hard to blow nose.
20. It take square ass to shit brick.

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe as his boss lectured and answered difficult questions about the nature of things and the meaning of life.
Then, one day, the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for just one evening. The philosopher agreed, and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.
However, when the time came for questions, someone at the back of the room asked him, "Is the epistemological meta-narrative that you seem to espouse compatible with a teleological account of the universe?"
"That's an extremely simple question," he replied. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer it."

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."
The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic. He asks the girl: "Do you like potato pancakes?" She says "No," and the silence returns.
After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.
The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"