A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "what do you say.....should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


Retirement Home 

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart. 

THE STAGES OF SUCCESS

At age 4 success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is...having friends.
At age 16 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is...having sex.
At age 35 success is...having money.
At age 50 success is...having money.
At age 60 success is...having sex.
At age 70 success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is...having friends.
At age 80 success is...not peeing in your pants

The Love Dress

The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work.," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're NAKED!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my Love Dress." the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love Dress? But you're naked!"
"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute." The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
"What are you doing?" He exclaimed.
"This is My Love Dress." She replied.
"Needs ironing." he said.