James was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He says "James, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here honey, try these on. So, she did and said, Well sweetie they're a little too big, I can't wear them.' So I replied,...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.
Ever since that night we have never had any problems."
"Hmmm," says James. He thinks that might be a good thing to try. So, on his honey moon James takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here babe, try these on."
So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
So James says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will & don't you ever forget that.
Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to James and says, "Here, you try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can't even get into your pants."
So Jill says,"...exactly. And if your #*cking attitude doesn't change, you never will.

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she then says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 
I said, "WHAT?!" 
So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. 
I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep. 
The very next day the we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store...We walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200 each -- to which I replied, "OK." And then we go to the Jewellery Dept. -- where she gets a set of 
diamond earrings. Let me tell you ...she was so excited! She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. 
I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a 
loop when I told her that it was OK. She seemed almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." 
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." 
You should have seen her face ... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a 
while." 
Just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man." 

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
- Two mothers-in-law.

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife Wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles.
"Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"

Husband: Shall we try a new position tonight? 
Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and drink beer and fart! 

Two married blokes are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage......... I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and says "AND WHAT TIME TO DO YOU CALL THIS?"......................
His mate looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, "How about a blow job??".....and she's always sound asleep. 

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.