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An Irish Letter

Dear Pat,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I k now you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we move d. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Irish family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.
The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Mary said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.
About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your Uncle Sean fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.
Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Mam

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking (as you do), and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." 
The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" 
The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tinkof it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there...And she doesn't even have a penis!" 

A son and father went to see a doctor since the father was getting very ill. The doctor told the father and son that the father was dying from cancer. The father who was an Irishman, turned to his son and said, "Son, even on this gloomy day, it's our tradition to drink to health as it is in death, so let's go to the pub and celebrate my demise." Reluctantly, the son follows his father to the local pub. There, while enjoying their ale, the father sees some old friends and tells them he is dying from AIDS. Shocked, the son turns to his father and says, "Father, it is not AIDS you are dying from, it is cancer, why did you lie to those men?" The father replies, "Aye, my son, you are right; but I don't want those guys sleeping with your mother when I'm gone."

La Mansión del Inglés. http://www.mansioningles.com
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