To TECH Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs & launches during system initialisation, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Otherwise, I'm screwed. Thanks, Joe. 

REPLY 
Dear Joe Screwed: This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. You can not go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in you manual under "Warnings-Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPF's). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the "Esc" key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all the GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but requires very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance to Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. 
Best of luck. 
Tech Support 

Three men sitting naked in a sauna. There’s a bleeping noise, the first man presses his arm and the beeping stops, “That’s my pager” he explains, “I had a microchip implanted in my arm.”
Then the phone rings the second man lifts the palm of his hand to his ear, and says, “That was my mobile phone, I too had a micro chip implanted in my hand.”
The third man stands up not wanting to be out done leaves the room and comes back with loo paper sticking out of his bum, he adds, “I’m receiving a fax.”

How to Describe Your Breasts in a Chat Room 
(o)(o) perfect breasts 
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts 
(*)(*) high nipple breasts 
(@)(@) big nipple breasts 
oo a cups 
{ O }{ O } d cups 
(oYo) wonder bra breasts 
( ^^)( ^^) cold breasts 
(o)(O) lopsided breasts 
(Q)(O) pierced breasts 
(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts 
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts 
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts 
< o>< o> electric shock breasts 
|o||o| android breasts 
(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch) 
(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler) 
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts 

Cave-Man Tech Support 
The tech-support problem dates back to long before the industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out a rhythm on drums to communicate:
Hullo. This fire help desk. Me Groog
Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.
You have flint and stone?
Ugh.
You hit them together?
Ugh.
What happen?
Fire not work.
(sigh) Make spark?
No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.
*sigh* You change rock?
I change nothing
You sure?
Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone not burn
Lorto hand. Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.
*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*
*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM* 

Maxims for the Computer Age 
1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don't byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal).
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There's no place like https://www.home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks

Voicemail message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

In the aftermath of the AOL/Time-Warner merger, it has been leaked that Yahoo! is taking over the following companies: 
-Disney 
-Data General 
-United Health Care. 

The names of the new mega companies will be: 
Hoo-Dis, Hoo-Dat, and Hoo-Cares.