McDonalds 
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him a verbal jab, "They don't serve beer here, you moron!" The German fellow felt embarrassed, however he turned to the New Yorker with a surprised look on his face and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?" the New Yorker demands. Oh, nothing really, I just realized how stupid you are. You came here for the food!" 

An American Diet 

Breakfast: ½ grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk 
Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie 
Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce 
Dinner: 
2 loaves garlic bread 
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 
3 Snickers bars 
Late Evening News: 
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer) 
Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds (Maltezers), buttered popcorn, and Tootsie Rolls (Fantales).
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something sweet and gooey.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories.....
.......Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes; pink grapefruit and ham.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!) 
REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS