Forni... cation …. excuse me ….. for an occasion such as this …. for an occasion such as this I’d like to thank you all for coming to celebrate the marriage of the lovely couple sitting next to me here. A wise man once told me that the best man’s speech should last as long as the groom makes love..… Thank you ladies and gentleman!

No seriously, firstly, I would like to congratulate Sandra for being such a beautiful
Bride. I’m sure you’ll all agree that she looks absolutely stunning. I’d like to thank the bridesmaids for performing their roles so well and for continuing to look so
good throughout the day. I would also like to thank the ushers for at least arriving at the church sober.

When thinking about what to say here today, the obvious place for ideas seemed to be the Internet so, with a multitude of resources at my fingertips, I dutifully began searching the World Wide Web. After a couple of hours searching I found some REALLY good stuff on the net, but .... then I remembered I was supposed to be looking for Best Man tips!

I did actually find loads of ready-prepared speeches on the Internet but sadly none of them were about a couple called Simon and Sandra. So I couldn’t use them.

It’s a great honour to be the best man at Simon and Sandra’s wedding, and I should like to take this opportunity, drunk as I may be, to say a word or two about the groom.

Simon was born on May 2nd 1979. I tried to link this to some major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day. Although the staff at the London hospital still refer to that day as ‘Ugly Wednesday”. When Simon was born the midwife slapped his mother. I wouldn’t say Simon was an ugly baby, but his mother only had morning sickness after he was born.

Unfortunately, Simon was a slow starter in life. At playschool Simon was different from all the other 5 year olds. He was 11.

In 20 years, Simon and I have grown up together, shared many amazing experiences and generally been through an incredible amount together. Fortunately none of them are here today. We can at least thank foot and mouth for something. Don’t worry Simon, I’m not about to embarrass you by telling everyone here about the string of cunning stunts we’ve done over the years. Let’s just let sleeping dogs lie.

There's nothing I wouldn't do for Simon, and likewise there's nothing Simon wouldn't do for me. In fact we have spent most of our time as friends doing absolutely nothing for each other.

At this stage I would like to read some messages from those who could not make it to this special occasion.

To Sandra; I’m Sorry I could not marry you myself so I got one of my mates to do it, but best wishes on your special day.
That one’s from the Pope

Congratulations on your special day Simon we will miss you.
From all the girls at The Fantasy Lounge XXX

To Simon and Sandra, hope you have a wonderful day, sorry we can’t be there lots of love Charles Farkin, Mary Farkin ….and the whole Farkin family.

Since I’m here I’d like to give you both a small piece of advice. One thing about my wife Angela and I is that we never go to bed angry. We usually just stay up and argue.

I believe that marriage is a wonderful thing for Simon. It will teach him loyalty, self-restraint and control. And it will develop in him a sense of responsibility, fair play and so many other qualities he wouldn't need if he’d just stayed single.

There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff!

Well Simon, you’re up next and I hope you make the most of your speech, Now you’re a married man, this’ll be the last time you get to speak for 5 minutes without being interrupted! But before I hand over to Simon, I’d like to finish with a little poem that I think sums up marriage quite nicely.

The perfect groom is gentle, never harsh, cruel or mean. He has a beautiful smile, and keeps his face so clean.

The perfect groom likes children and will raise them by your side. He will be a good father, and husband to his bride.

The perfect groom likes cooking, cleaning and laundry, too. He’ll do anything in his power to show his love for you.

The perfect groom is sweet, writing poetry from your name. He’s the best friend to your mother, and kisses away your pain.

He’ll never make you cry, or hurt you in any way. And if this poem stands to be true, then Simon, you really are gay!

Please raise your glasses and drink to the happy couple. Simon and Sandra!

La Mansión del Inglés.
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